Comedians are used to being censored. Sometimes, that’s fair enough. On Monday, I watched Stephen Fry explain to an audience at a new Radio 4 panel show that his mother used to describe muttonchops (the large facial hair, rather than the unlikely foodstuff) as “bugger’s grips”. As he was saying it, he admitted that he was simply telling the live audience for their amusement and his – he knew there was no way that Radio 4 would be able to broadcast a phrase like that at 11.30am, when the programme will go out.
Most comedians I know are stoic in the face of this kind of “appropriate-ness” censorship – we’re happy enough to write and perform jokes that are relatively risqué for one audience, and relatively bland for another. Radio 4 isn’t without humour on this issue, either: they did after all once broadcast Fry’s peerless definition of the word “countryside” (the act of killing Piers Morgan, according to Fry: a joke of truly beautiful construction) in I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue, which goes out at 6.30pm.
But if there’s one thing that gets all broadcasters edgy, it is the mention of god or gods in jokes. So I suppose it should come as no surprise to find that Tim Minchin has found himself on the receiving end of this brand of religious or quasi-religious censorship. On the Jonathan Ross Show for ITV this week, he sang a sweet, funny song about how Jesus did magic tricks like Derren Brown and was a thoughtful Jew like Woody Allen.
It’s not his best song, by his own admission. But you would strain to find it offensive, I think, unless you have that disposition anyway (in which case, watching Jonathan Ross seems calculated to give you early heart failure). Comic book nerds might be traumatised by his suggestion that “With great power comes great responsibility” is a phrase belonging to Superman, rather than Spiderman. But, in my experience, even a vexed comic book nerd does not write in to ITV and complain about that kind of thing.
Minchin’s song was recorded, included in the recorded programme, and then removed from it later, before broadcast, apparently at the behest of Peter Fincham, controller of ITV. Minchin attributes this to fear of “ranty, shit-stirring right-wing press”, and I suspect he’s right. Yet Fincham must have known what kind of performer Tim Minchin is: he surely watches television occasionally. So why hire him at all, or let others hire him, if you are then going to wig out when he does exactly what you would expect him to do: write a funny song from a rationalist perspective?
The song is, at the time of writing, on Minchin’s blog, along with Ross’ awkward intro and outro, which seem to me to make it perfectly clear that he also expects complaints by the bucketload and is dissociating himself from the potential shit-storm. Once bitten by a wild-haired imaginative comedian, twice shy, I suppose. So do go and have a look and see if you think the delicate watchers of Ross’s talk-show would have been provoked to swoon.
And if you like the song, perhaps you might write or call in to ITV to explain that you’re offended every time they pull this kind of material from shows (on the rare occasions we find out about it). If offence must be taken so seriously, then perhaps we need to start being offended too, at least for the purposes of complaining. Tell them you object to being treated like a child and to having pre-emptive steps taken on your behalf to ensure you aren’t shocked or upset. At the moment, there are no consequences for this sort of creative cowardice. There are only consequences for taking the risk and broadcasting.
People of religious faith can cope with mild teasing, just like anyone else: they aren’t some exotic, frail species, and some of them even like jokes. ITV should remember – as all broadcasters might – that offending a small number of people, who are bafflingly watching a show where their offence is almost guaranteed by at least some of its content, is a small price to pay for entertaining the majority with thoughtful, clever, musical, non-bullying humour.
A leading online tabloid has published opposition leader Boris Nemtsov’s private phone conversations, during which he denigrated other Russian opposition activists. Nemtsov claims his phone was illegally bugged and that the Kremlin is behind the leak.
Nemtsov is one of the leaders of the unregistered opposition group the People’s Freedom Party. He took an active part in organising a rally against unfair parliamentary elections on 24 December. He has called the publication of the phone conversations “a provocation” and an attempt by prime-minister Vladimir Putin and Kremlin chief of staff Vladislav Surkov to “wreck the rally on 24 December and sow discord into opposition involved in organising the rally”.
The allegation has been bolstered by the fact that the tabloid LifeNews is a part of the National Media Group controlled by tycoon Jury Kovalchuk, known as a Putin supporter. The Russian Investigative Committee announced they would begin “procedural checking” into the publication of Nemtsov’s phone conversations. But despite the fact that the calls were illegally recorded, LifeNews is unlikely to face the same sanctions as the British tabloid The News of the World: those loyal to Putin don’t usually lose in Russian courts.
LifeNews didn’t specify how it had obtained the recordings of the phone calls, but such publication violates articles 137 and 138 of the Russian Criminal Code (invasion of personal privacy and violation of personal correspondence, telephone conversations, postal, telegraphic and other messages). Together with human rights activist Lev Ponomaryov, with whom his conversation LifeNews published, Nemtsov said he would file a suit against the tabloid.
Life News editor-in-chief Ashot Gabrelyanov defended the publication on business grounds: audience and advertising increase. “News about Nemtsov is in great demand” Gabrelyanov told Lenta.ru news agency.
Most of the conversations published by LifeNews relate to preparations for post-Soviet Russia’s biggest anti-Putin rally on 10 December and an even bigger rally, expected on 24 December. Nemtsov vilified other activists including environmental campaigner Yevgeniya Chirikova; Left Front activist, A Just Russia deputy Ilya Ponomarev and popular blogger and minority shareholders’ rights advocate Alexei Navalny. Nemtsov published an apology on his blog soon after the publications, saying that “he did wrong” and that “one should control his emotions even when talking to friends on the phone”.
His addressees accepted apologies stressing that the Kremlin would have done anything to split popularity, and affirming that the attempt had definitely failed. Alexey Navalny, who was released on 21 December after 15 days of administrative arrest for having participated in a protest rally, said “nobody was likely to have illusions of how they comment on each other off the record”.
In public, Russian opposition is still united to achieve one common aim: fair elections.
As over 40 people, many of them journalists, are detained on terrorism charges across Turkey, Kaya Genç examines the latest attempt to silence the Kurdish press (more…)
This piece by Vaclav Havel was published in Index on Censorship in 1984 after he was released from prison in March 1983, having served almost four years on charges of “subversive activities against the Socialist state” of Czechoslovakia. The “subversive activities” were his signature on the Charter 77 manifesto (he was one of the three original spokesmen of Charter 77), his membership of the Committee for the Defence of the Unjustly Prosecuted (VONS) and his numerous plays and essays which, in his own country, appear only in samizdat editions. Our previous issue, Index 6/1983, contained the first interview given by Havel to a foreign journalist after his release from imprisonment.
Havel died on 17 December this year.
The following sketch is Havel’s first literary work written since leaving prison. Its world premiere took place at the end of November 1983 in Stockholm and is published here by permission of Rowohlt Theater-Verlag, Reinbek. The Stockholm performance was introduced by Vaclav Havel himself, the tape-recorded message he sent from Prague being played to the audience. The message appears on page 15.
Dramatis personae:
XIBOY KING (a trustie) FIRST PRISONER SECOND PRISONER THIRD PRISONER
(As the curtain rises, we see a door, left, with theFIRST, SECOND, andTHIRD PRISONERcrowding the doorway, KINGin front. All four have shaven heads and a variety of tattoos on their arms and torsos — KINGmost of all. They are dressed in prison uniforms and are gazing intently atXIBOY. On the opposite side of the stage there is a tier of three iron bunks;XIBOYis sitting on the top one, like the others in prison garb and with shaven head but no tattoos.XIBOYis a newcomer and he looks with some apprehension at the group in the doorway. A long, tense silence…)
KING (to XIBOY) I hear you lit a fag after slop – out…
(Short pause)
FIRST PRISONER (to KING) ‘e did — I saw ‘im.
KING (to SECOND PRISONER) That right?
SECOND PRISONER Sure, that’s right.
KING (to XIBOY,) Don’t you know when we fall out for breakfast?
(Short pause)
FIRST PRISONER (to KING) Sure, he knows…The minutes after slop-out.
KING (to SECOND PRISONER.) Does ‘e know?
SECOND PRISONER Sure he knows! They tell all the new boys, don’t they…
KING (to XIBOY) Now listen ‘ere, friend. We have ten minutes between slop-out and breakfast. In that time we’ve all gotta get dressed, those as wants can wash or ‘ave a piss, there’s no objection to that, you understand, everyone’s got a perfect right to do it, if they wanna, you can even start making your bed so we don’t all start at once and get in each other’s way. And we open the windows to get rid of all the farts first thing. That’s the custom ‘ere, that’s the way it’s done and always ‘as been. Then we all grab our caps and food bowls and wait for the order to fall in. And when they yell fall in’ we gotta look sharp and line up outside the cell. If we don’t get out there quick enough, they send us back and we gotta wait our turn again. So we don’t want anybody fartarsing around holding things up, looking for his things or tipping a fagend or anything like that — and the rest of us get in the shit on ‘is account. Understand? Because of one lousy slowcoach we ain’t all gonna go back and ‘ang around waiting. I ‘ope that’s clear. And if anyone thinks it ain’t, we’ll soon put ‘im right!
FIRST PRISONER (to KING) It’s clear, all right, and everyone does it just like you said.
SECOND PRISONER (to XIBOY) That’s right — and if some cunt thinks ‘e can mess us about, ‘e’ll do it just once and never again . ..
KING(to XIBOY) So, as I said, there’s a hell of a lot to do between slop-out and breakfast. No time for fartarsing around. Much less for smoking. That’s not the way we do things ‘ere. Now, after breakfast, that’s something else again, then you can light up if you’ve got any fags, that is. Then there’s time and nobody gives a shit. But not before breakfast. That’s how it’s always been in this pad, and it’s going to stay that way. Nobody’s gonna tell me they can’t wait a lousy twenty minutes for a smoke. That ain’t asking too much, is it? (to SECOND PRISONER) Am I right?
SECOND PRISONER Sure you are.
FIRST PRISONER (to KING) We can wait.
KING (to XIBOX) So, from now on remember — no smoking before breakfast…
FIRST PRISONER Especially as we’re trying to air the fucking place…
KING (to XIBOY) Yeah, that’s right. And some people just can’t stand the smell of smoke first thing in the morning. They don’t like it, their lungs don’t like it, they can’t stand it. As is their right. Is that clear?
(XIBOY says nothing, looks embarrassed and shrugs)
SECOND PRISONER (shouts at XIBOY) Didn’t you hear what ‘e said? (XIBOY says nothing, looks embarrassed, shrugs) Anyone we catch smoking after slopout gets a fistful, see?
KING (to XIBOY) What they do in other cells, that’s their business. But nobody smokes in this one after slop-out. That goes for everybody, ‘specially for new boys like you. That’s all I wanted to say to you, friend. And not just for myself but for all of us. (to SECOND PRISONER) Right?
SECOND PRISONER Right.
FIRST PRISONER (to KING) That’s what we all say — right…
KING (to XIBOY; Everybody saw you smoking first thing, and everybody yakked about it. But I told ’em: ‘e’s a new boy, doesn’t know the ropes yet. And so they stopped yakking. So you’re OK for today. But next time just remember we don’t hold with nobody trying to be clever and going it alone. Not on your life . ..
FIRST PRISONER (to KING) As long as I been ‘ere, nobody ever had the nerve to light a fag before breakfast.
KING (to XIBOY) So, as I said, you got away with it this time, but see it don’t ‘appen no more. Is that clear?
(XIBOYlooks embarrassed and shrugs)
SECOND PRISONER (yells atXIBOY) What’re you gawping at, you cunt? King asked you a question!
(Silence)
KING (to XIBOY) We’re trying to be nice to you, see? So we’ll skip it this once—but now you know and kindly keep your nose clean.
(Longer silence)
Oh, and while we’re on the subject … From tomorrow, you’ll make your bed exactly like all the rest of us. If the others can do it, so can you. We don’t want to lose a point every day just because some stupid bastard doesn’t know how to make his bed properly, do we? We don’t want the whole lot of us to get it in the neck on account of one miserable rookie what doesn’t know how to make his bed. So you’d better hurry up and learn, ‘cos if tomorrow your bed isn’t just like everybody else’s, we’ll make you practise all evening.
SECOND PRISONER (to XIBOY,) We’ll make you do it ten times in a row, see if we don’t.
KING (to XIBOY,) Blanket’s gotta be two inches from the edge on both sides, the sheet neatly folded over, and so on and so forth. The boys’ll show you how it’s done.
FIRST PRISONER (to KING,) I’ll show ‘im . . .
KING (to XIBOY,) Is that clear?
(Silence)
Everybody in ‘ere gets the ‘ang of it sooner or later, so no reason why you shouldn’t get the ‘ang of it. Understand?
(Silence)
SECOND PRISONER (to XIBOY,) Bloody hell! Cat got your tongue, you bastard? Speak up when King asks you something!
FIRST PRISONER (to KING,) What ‘s the matter with ‘im? Stupid idiot!
KING (to XIBOY) Did you clean the washbasin?
(Silence)
Your turn to scrub and clean this week, so you’d better look smart! And if you think you’re just going to tickle the floor with the brush and that’s it, you’re bloody well mistaken. You get down and scrub the floor under the bunks, ‘specially in the corners by the wall —the screws shine their torches down there. You dust everywhere, and the washbasin’s gotta be washed, wiped dry and shined — and the same goes for the kaazie. Today it’s a mess, so you can thank your lucky stars we haven’t had the screws round ‘ere. They’d ‘ave shown you a thing or two. Tonight, before inspection, I’ll come and look personal like. We’re all in the same boat ‘ere, nobody gets any privileges, ‘specially not a rookie whose fag-end is still burning outside the prison gate! Pankrac Prison, Prague
SECOND PRISONER (yells atXIBOY) So why don’t you come down off of there, you cunt, when King’s talking to you!
(XIBOYremains sitting on his bunk, smiling in embarrassment. Tense silence, SECOND PRISONERis about to lunge atXIBOYand drag him down butKINGstops him)
KING (to SECOND PRISONER,) Wait a sec!
(Silence)
(to XIBOY) Now look ‘ere, me lad! If you’ve got it in yer ‘ead that you’re going to do as you bloody well please ‘ere, or maybe play at being King, you’ve got another think coming! We know how to deal with the likes of you. Understand?
(Silence)
FIRST PRISONER (to KING) What a stubborn bastard!
SECOND PRISONER (to XIBOY,) Come down off that bloody bunk, and be quick about it!
(Silence — XIBOYdoesn’t move)
SECOND PRISONER (to XIBOY,) Well…?!
(Silence — XIBOYdoesn’t move)
KING (to XIBOY,) Now then, you, I don’t take kindly to them as tries to make a monkey out of me. So don’t get any ideas!
FIRST PRISONER (to XIBOY,) Down you come this minute and apologise to King!
(Silence — XIBOYdoesn’t move, just sits there smiling in embarrassment)
SECOND PRISONER (yells atXIBOY.) You fucking mother-fucker!’
(SECOND PRISONERleaps forward and catchesXIBOYby one leg, pulling him down, XIBOYfalls on the floor, SECOND PRISONERkicks him and returns toKING’Sside, XIBOYrises slowly, looks at the others, puzzled. Silence.)
THIRD PRISONER (softly) ‘ere, lads…
(Silence — they all gaze atXIBOY)
KING (without turning toTHIRD PRISONER,) What?
(Silence — they all gaze at XIBOY)
THIRD PRISONER (softly) Know what? He’s some kind of a bloody foreigner…
(All three look questioningly atKING. Tense silence)
KING (after a pause, softly) Well, that’s his bloody funeral…
KINGstarts out menacingly towards XIBOY, followed byFIRST, SECONDandTHIRD PRISONER. They slowly edge closer to him. Curtain falls)
(CURTAIN)
Translated by George Theiner. This play originally appeared in Index on Censorship magazine in 1984 Volume 13: Issue 13
