Riyadh Comedy Festival: Making the jokes the real comedians can’t

This is the final day of the Riyadh Comedy Festival so we thought we’d publish some jokes audiences probably won’t have heard during the last fortnight.

Index staff have used AI to imagine some gags from artificial facsimiles of stand-ups Bill Burr, Jimmy Carr, Jack Whitehall and Louis C.K. 

We felt compelled to do this because we support those in Saudi Arabia whose voices are so often silenced and those who are currently in prison. Last week we published an article by Ghanem al-Masarir about how he was persecuted as a Saudi comedian, and we remember journalist Jamal Khashoggi who was murdered by the regime in the Saudi embassy in Turkey seven years ago on 2 October – a grim reminder of the stance the Saudi government takes against their critics.

For extra context, this is part of a leaked contract for performers at the festival and was a condition of them performing:

“ARTIST shall not prepare or perform any material that may be considered to degrade, defame, or bring into public disrepute, contempt, scandal, embarrassment, or ridicule A) The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, including its leadership, public figures, culture, or people; B) The Saudi royal family, legal system, or government, and; C) Any religion, religious tradition, religious figure, or religious practice.”

Google Gemini in the style of Bill Burr

“The whole thing with this Saudi oil money… everybody’s going, ‘How could you? How could you take that blood money?’ And I’m just looking at them like, ‘Have you seen the offer? That’s not money, that’s a yacht dealership. That’s a ‘Hey Bill, we’re giving you enough cash to never have to stand next to a TSA agent again.’ Suddenly, all that moral outrage I was preaching about two years ago? Yeah, that’s gone. It’s in a tiny little oil drum somewhere in the desert. I went from ‘Speak truth to power!’ to ‘Does this robe come with a gold chain?’ in like, nine seconds.”

Anthropic’s Claude in the style of Jimmy Carr

“The Saudi royal family spent 100 billion dollars on a futuristic city in the desert called NEOM. 100 billion! On a city that doesn’t exist yet!

You know what would be MORE futuristic? Women’s rights.

[pause for laughs]

Cost a lot less, too.

[short laugh]

They’ve got plans for flying cars, robot servants, artificial moons… but apparently equal rights for half the population? ‘Woah, woah, woah… let’s not get science fiction about this!’

[smirks]

And they claim it’s going to be this eco-friendly utopia powered entirely by renewable energy. Which is ironic, because the only thing they’ve been good at renewable is OPPRESSION.

[staccato laugh]

The Saudi government says journalists are always welcome to come visit and report on their progress. Just… maybe don’t write anything negative. Or critical. Or true.

You know, JOURNALISM.

[pause]

Because the last guy who did that? Let’s just say… he’s in pieces about it.

[waits for groan/laugh]

Too dark? Oh, I’m sorry—I didn’t realise we were suddenly worried about what’s inappropriate!”

Google Gemini in the style of Jack Whitehall

Right, so my agent, – you’d hate him, he wears a gilet indoors – he rings me up. “Jack, darling! Got a massive gig for you. Corporate do. The fee is… well, let’s just say you could buy a controlling stake in Waitrose.”

I’m in. Obviously. I’m thinking, lovely jubbly, probably some tech bros in a horribly trendy warehouse in Shoreditch.

He goes, “It’s in Riyadh.”

Ah. Right.

He says, “Don’t worry! They’re super keen. They’ve just sent over a small list of topics to avoid in your set.”

He starts reading it out. “Okay so… no politics, no religion, no mentions of the royal family, no observational stuff about men and women… and absolutely no sarcasm.”

And I’m just sitting there, thinking… my God. That’s my entire personality gone. What am I supposed to do for twenty minutes? Just list my favourite types of hummus?

But then he read the last rule: “And finally, absolutely no crowd work.”

And honestly? That’s where I drew the line. I mean, you can take away my freedom of expression, you can censor my political satire… but you will not take away my God-given right to bully a man in the front row for wearing terrible shoes. Some principles are just non-negotiable.

OpenAI’s ChatGPT in the style of Louis C.K.

“So the Saudi government…

You ever look at a country and think, ‘Wow… that place is like if God gave a toddler infinite money and zero supervision’?

It’s just oil, gold, and beheadings. Like… literal beheadings. Not metaphorical. Like, actual… ‘Whoops, I tweeted!’ — CHOP.

And people still say, ‘Well, they’re making progress!’

Yeah? So is cancer.”

[Crowd groans — Louis leans in, smirking]

“No, really — they let women drive now!

As long as they don’t drive… their own thoughts.”

[Beat — he shrugs, mock-defensive]

“I know. I shouldn’t talk. I come from America — the land of freedom, where we bomb the same countries we lecture about human rights.

It’s like yelling at your kid for smoking while you’re doing heroin in the garage. ‘Don’t do that, it’s bad for you!’”

[He pauses, then sighs]

“But I still fly through Riyadh sometimes. Why?

‘Cause I’m a piece of shit.

And they’ve got phenomenal airport lounges.

Like, terrifying government… but you can get a foot massage and a lamb biryani while pretending they don’t jail poets.”

Journalists have a “right to life”

Hello, readers. This is Sarah Dawood here, editor of Index on Censorship. Every week, we bring the most pertinent global free speech stories to your inbox.

I must confess that today’s newsletter is very bleak, so I won’t be offended if you click away in search of a more optimistic end to your week. We’re reflecting on how journalists are increasingly being silenced globally, not only with the threat of legal retribution or imprisonment, but with death – often with little or no repercussions for those responsible.

This week marked the seven-year anniversary of the murder of Maltese investigative journalist Daphne Caruana Galizia, who was killed in a car bomb attack on 16 October 2017. She reported extensively on corruption in Malta, as well as on international scandals such as the Panama Papers (the historic data leak exposing how the rich exploit secret offshore tax regimes).

Two hitmen were convicted for her murder in 2022, but criminal proceedings are still ongoing against three more suspects, including the alleged mastermind of the assassination and the alleged bomb suppliers. This week, free speech organisations signed an open letter to Malta’s prime minister calling on him to promptly implement robust, internationally-sound legal reform to keep journalists safe in future. The letter pointed to a public inquiry into her death, which found it was both “predictable and preventable”, and highlighted “the failure of the authorities to take measures to protect her”.

The start of this month marked another grim milestone – six years since the death of prominent Saudi journalist Jamal Ahmad Khashoggi. He was a regular contributor to major news outlets like Middle East Eye and The Washington Post, as well as editor-in-chief at the former Bahrain-based Al-Arab News Channel. A vocal critic of his government, he was assassinated at a Saudi consulate in Istanbul, Turkey.

Such attacks on free speech continue. We were appalled, for instance, to learn of the death of the 27-year-old Ukrainian journalist Victoria Roshchyna last week, a reporter from the front-line of the Russia-Ukraine war who had written for Index about her experiences. The circumstances around her death are still unknown, but we know she died in Russian detention.

Increasingly, governments or powerful individuals act with impunity – whereby their human rights violations are exempt from punishment – willfully ignoring international law that states journalists are civilians and have a “right to life”. For many victims, the course of justice is either delayed, as in Caruana Galizia’s case, or the circumstances around their deaths are obfuscated and murky, as in Roshchyna’s. Question marks remain over who is ultimately responsible, or how it happened, creating a cycle of censorship whereby it’s not only the journalists and their reporting that are silenced, but their deaths.

This impunity has been shown in plain sight throughout the Israel-Hamas war. To date, 123 Palestinian journalists have been killed in Gaza by Israeli forces, with the Committee to Protect Journalists concluding that at least five were intentionally targeted. The Israel Defense Forces (IDF) deny these claims, yet an Al Jazeera documentary recently revealed that journalists live in fear of their lives, and their families’. One of the most high-profile cases of a targeted attack was that of Hamza al-Dahdouh, the son of Al Jazeera Gaza bureau chief and veteran journalist Wael al-Dahdouh, whose wife and another two children were also previously killed in Israeli airstrikes. Two Israeli and three Lebanese journalists have also been killed in the conflict, with the International Criminal Court seeking arrest warrant applications for both Israeli and Hamas leaders for war crimes.

All these cases show a growing disregard for journalists’ lives, but also for the very essence of journalism itself. When not threatened with death or physical violence, media personnel are threatened with imprisonment, the closing of legitimate news offices, internet blackouts, and psychological and financial abuse. SLAPPs – strategic lawsuits against public participation – for instance, are being increasingly used globally by powerful and wealthy people as an abusive legal tool to threaten journalists into silence with eye-watering fines. How can “the fourth estate” truly hold power to account, when those in power can so easily dismantle and destroy their means of doing so?

At a time of devastating global conflict, the ability for journalists to report on stories free from the threat of harm, imprisonment, lawsuits or death has never been more important. To protect journalism itself, international and national law must work harder to protect the individuals most at risk. Without the threat of retribution for powerful individuals, the cycle of censorship will only continue.

 

Contents – Inconvenient truths: How scientists are being silenced around the world

Contents

Ever since Galileo Galilei faced the Roman inquisition in the 17th century for proving that the Earth went round the sun, scientists have risked being ruthlessly silenced. People are threatened by new discoveries, and especially ones that go against their political ideologies or religious beliefs. The Autumn 2024 issue of Index examines how scientists to this day still face censorship, as in many places around the world, adherence to ideology stands in the way of scientific progress. We demonstrate how such nations crack down on scientific advancement, and lend a voice to those who face punishment for their scientific achievements. Reports from as far as China and India, to the UK, USA, and many in between make up this issue as we put scientific freedom under the microscope.

Up Front

When ideology enters the equation: Sally Gimson
Just who is silencing scientists?

The Index: Mark Stimpson
A tour around the world of free expression, including a focus on unrest in Venezuela

Features

A vote for a level playing field: Clemence Manyukwe
In Mozambique’s upcoming election, the main challenger is banned

Whistling the tune of ‘terrorism’: Nedim Türfent
Speaking Kurdish, singing in Kurdish, even dancing to Kurdish tunes: do it in Turkey and be prepared for oppression

Running low on everything: Amy Booth
The economy is in trouble in Bolivia, and so is press freedom

A dictatorship in the making: Robert Kituyi
Kenya’s journalists and protesters are standing up for democracy, and facing brutal violence

Leave nobody in silence: Jana Paliashchuk
Activists will not let Belarus’s political prisoners be forgotten

A city’s limits: Francis Clarke
The Hillsborough disaster still haunts Liverpool, with local sensitivities leading to a recent event cancellation

History on the cutting room floor: Thiện Việt
The Sympathizer is the latest victim of Vietnam’s heavy-handed censors

Fog of war masks descent into authoritarianism: Ben Lynfield
As independent media is eroded, is it too late for democracy in Israel?

Movement for the missing: Anmol Irfan, Zofeen T Ebrahim
Amid rising persecution in Pakistan, Baloch women speak up about forced disappearances

Mental manipulation: Alexandra Domenech
The treatment of dissidents in Russia now includes punitive psychiatry

The Fight for India’s Media Freedom: Angana Chakrabarti, Amir Abbas, Ravish Kumar
Abuse of power, violence and a stifling political environment – daily challenges for journalists in India

A black, green and red flag to repression: Mehran Firdous
The pro-Palestine march in Kashmir that became a target for authorities

Special Report: Inconvenient truths - how scientists are being silenced around the world

Choked by ideology: Murong Xuecun, Kasim Abdurehim Kashgar
In China, science is served with a side of propaganda

Scriptures over science: Salil Tripathi
When it comes to scientific advancement in India, Hindu mythology is taking priority

A catalyst for corruption: Pouria Nazemi
The deadly world of scientific censorship in Iran

Tainted scientists: Katie Dancey-Downs
Questioning animal testing is a top taboo

Death and minor details: Danson Kahyana
For pathologists in Uganda the message is clear: don’t name the poison

The dangers of boycotting Russian science: JP O’Malley
Being anti-war doesn’t stop Russian scientists getting removed from the equation

Putting politics above scientific truth: Dana Willbanks
Science is under threat in the USA, and here’s the evidence

The science of purges: Kaya Genç
In Turkey, “terrorist” labels are hindering scientists

The fight for science: Mark Stimpson
Pseudoscience-buster Simon Singh reflects on whether the truth will out in today’s libellous landscape

Comment

On the brink: Jo-Ann Mort
This November, will US citizens vote for freedoms?

Bad sport: Daisy Ruddock
When it comes to state-sponsored doping, Russia gets the gold medal

Anything is possible: Martin Bright
The legacy of the fall of the Iron Curtain, 35 years later

Judging judges: Jemimah Steinfeld
Media mogul Jimmy Lai remains behind bars in Hong Kong, and a British judge bears part of the responsibility

Culture

The good, the bad and the beautiful: Boris Akunin, Sally Gimson
The celebrated author on how to tell a story, and an exclusive new translation

Song for Stardust: Jessica Ní Mhainín, Christy Moore
Celebrating the folk song that told the truth about an Irish tragedy, and was banned

Put down that book!: Katie Dancey-Downs, Allison Brackeen Brown, Aixa Avila-Mendoza
Two US teachers take their Banned Books Week celebrations into the world of poetry

Keeping Litvinenko’s voice alive: Marina Litvinenko
The activist and widow of poisoned Russian dissident Alexander Litvinenko has the last word

Contents – The final cut: How cinema is being used to change the global narrative

Contents

The Summer 2024 issue of Index looks at how cinema is used as a tool to help shape the global political narrative by investigating who controls what we see on the screen and why they want us to see it. We highlight examples from around the world of states censoring films that show them in a bad light and pushing narratives that help them to scrub up their reputation, as well as lending a voice to those who use cinema as a form of dissent. This issue provides a global perspective, with stories ranging from India to Nigeria to the US. Altogether, it provides us with an insight into the starring role that cinema plays in the world politics, both as a tool for oppressive regimes looking to stifle free expression and the brave dissidents fighting back.

Up Front

Lights, camera, (red)-action, by Sally Gimson: Index is going to the movies and exploring who determines what we see on screen

The Index, by Mark Stimpson: A glimpse at the world of free expression, including an election in Mozambique, an Iranian feminist podcaster and the 1960s TV show The Prisoner

Features

Banned: school librarians shushed over LGBT+ books, by Katie Dancey-Downs: An unlikely new battleground emerges in the fight for free speech

We’re not banned, but…, by Simon James Green: Authors are being caught up in the anti-LGBT+ backlash

The red pill problem, by Anmol Irfan: A group of muslim influencers are creating a misogynistic subculture online

Postcards from Putin’s prison, by Alexandra Domenech: The Russian teenager running an anti-war campaign from behind bars

The science of persecution, by Zofeen T Ebrahim: Even in death, a Pakistani scientist continues to be vilified for his faith

Cinema against the state, by Zahra Hankir: Artists in Lebanon are finding creative ways to resist oppression

First they came for the Greens, by Alessio Perrone, Darren Loucaides and Sam Edwards: Climate change isn’t the only threat facing environmentalists in Germany

Undercover freedom fund, by Gabija Steponenaite: Belarusian dissidents have a new weapon: cryptocurrency

A phantom act, by Danson Kahyana: Uganda’s anti-pornography law is restricting women’s freedom - and their mini skirts

Don’t say ‘gay’, by Ugonna-Ora Owoh: Queer Ghanaians are coming under fire from new anti-LGBT+ laws

Special Report: The final cut - how cinema is being used to change the global narrative

Money talks in Hollywood, by Karen Krizanovich: Out with the old and in with the new? Not on Hollywood’s watch

Strings attached, by JP O’Malley: Saudi Arabia’s booming film industry is the latest weapon in their soft power armoury

Filmmakers pull it out of the bag, by Shohini Chaudhuri: Iranian films are finding increasingly innovative ways to get around Islamic taboos

Edited out of existence, by Tilewa Kazeem: There’s no room for queer stories in Nollywood

Making movies to rule the world, by Jemimah Steinfeld: Author Erich Schwartzel describes how China’s imperfections are left on the cutting room floor

When the original is better than the remake, by Salil Tripathi: Can Bollywood escape from the Hindu nationalist narrative?

Selected screenings, by Maria Sorensen: The Russian filmmaker who is wanted by the Kremlin

A chronicle of censorship, by Martin Bright: A documentary on the Babyn Yar massacre faces an unlikely obstacle

Erdogan’s crucible by Kaya Genc: Election results bring renewed hope for Turkey’s imprisoned filmmakers

Race, royalty and religion - Malaysian cinema’s red lines, by Deborah Augustin: A behind the scenes look at a banned film in Malaysia

Comment

Join the exiled press club, by Can Dundar: A personalised insight into the challenges faced by journalists in exile

Freedoms lost in translation, by Banoo Zan: Supporting immigrant writers - one open mic poetry night at a time

Me Too’s two sides, by John Scott Lewinski: A lot has changed since the start of the #MeToo movement

We must keep holding the line, by Jemimah Steinfeld: When free speech is co-opted by extremists, tyrants are the only winners

Culture

It’s not normal, by Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe: Toomaj Salehi’s life is at the mercy of the Iranian state, but they can’t kill his lyrics

No offence intended, by Kaya Genc: Warning: this short story may contain extremely inoffensive content

The unstilled voice of Gazan theatre, by Laura Silvia Battaglia: For some Palestinian actors, their characters’ lives have become a horrifying reality

Silent order, by Fujeena Abdul Kader, Upendar Gundala: The power of the church is being used to censor tales of India’s convents

Freedom of expression is the canary in the coalmine, by Mark Stimpson and Ruth Anderson: Our former CEO reflects on her four years spent at Index

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